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punny_annoyances [2021.02.20 06:56] – [This English Language] Steve Isenbergpunny_annoyances [2023.01.17 15:44] (current) – Steve Isenberg
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-~~NOCACHE~~ //This page last changed ~~LASTMOD~~// +~~NOCACHE~~ //<fs x-small>This page last changed ~~LASTMOD~~ Visits: {{counter|today| time| times}} today, {{counter|yesterday| time| times}} yesterday, and {{counter|total| time| total times}} since 1/23/2021.</fs>//\\  
-==== A collection of Puns ====+//These from various sources including JR and WS.//
  
-Many are groan-worthy. Thanks to John Rudy.+==== A collection of Puns and Other Humor ====
  
   - The meaning of opaque is unclear.   - The meaning of opaque is unclear.
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 ===== Thoughts ===== ===== Thoughts =====
  
-1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.\\  +  - Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson. 
-2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.\\  +  - What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled. 
-3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.\\  +  - Writing my name in cursive is my signature move. 
-4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.\\  +  - Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm. 
-5. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.\\  +  - If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price. 
-6. Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.\\  +  - Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on. 
-7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.\\  +  - A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around. 
-8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.\\  +  - I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene. 
-9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.\\  +  - Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars. 
-10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.\\  +  - How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer. 
-11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.\\  +  - I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough. 
-12. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.\\  +  - My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band. 
-13. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.\\  +  - I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it. 
-14. Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.\\  +  - Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark. 
-15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.\\  +  - Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell. 
-16. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.\\  +  - When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare. 
-17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”\\  +  - Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.” 
-18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.\\  +  - Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence. 
-19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.\\  +  - Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering. 
-20. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.\\  +  - I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find. 
-21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.\\  +  - I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road. 
-22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.\\  +  - What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re. 
-23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”\\  +  - I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.” 
-24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.\\  +  - What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self. 
-25. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.+  - I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness. 
  
 ====This English Language===== ====This English Language=====
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   - If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that fifth person ENJOYS it?   - If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that fifth person ENJOYS it?
  
-//Visits: {{counter|today| time| times}} today, {{counter|yesterday| time| times}} yesterday, and {{counter|total| time| total times}} since 1/23/2021.//+====Getting Old==== 
 +  - When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison. 
 +  - To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it. 
 +  - Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight. 
 +  - It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles. 
 +  - The older I get, the earlier it gets late. 
 +  - When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago. 
 +  - I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. 
 +  - I had my patience tested. I'm negative. 
 +  - Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers. 
 +  - If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?" 
 +  - When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing. 
 +  - I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever. 
 +  - I run like the winded. 
 +  - I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on. 
 +  - When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?" 
 +  - When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery? 
 +  - I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited. 
 +  - When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east." 
 +  - Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out. 
 +  - Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops. 
 +  - My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb." 
  
  
punny_annoyances.1613832965.txt.gz · Last modified: 2021.12.22 11:26 (external edit)