Table of Contents
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This page last changed 2021.12.22 11:26
A collection of Puns
Many are groan-worthy. Thanks to John Rudy.
- The meaning of opaque is unclear.
- I wasn't going to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind.
- Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
- A man tried to assault me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!
- I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
- If there was someone selling marijuana in our neighborhood, weed know about it.
- It's a lengthy article about ancient Japanese sword fighters but I can Sumurais it for you.
- It's not that the man couldn't juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
- So what if I don't know the meaning of the word 'apocalypse'? It's not the end of the world.
- Police were called to the daycare center. A 3-year old was resisting a rest.
- The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
- Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.
- Alternative facts are aversion of the truth.
- I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- Did you know they won't be making yardsticks any longer?
- I used to be allergic to soap but I'm clean now.
- The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.
- What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? The suspension is killing me.
- Do you have weight loss mantras? Fat chants!
- My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sew it seams.
- What is a thesaurus's favorite dessert? Synonym buns.
- A relief map shows where the restrooms are.
- There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.
- How do they figure out the price of hammers? Per pound.
Thoughts
1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.
5. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.
6. Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
12. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.
13. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
14. Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.
15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
16. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.
17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.
20. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.
23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”
24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.
25. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
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